My twenties were not the fun and carefree years of many twenty year olds. I knew I carried a giant ‘sack’, kind of like Santa but with such different contents, I had panic attacks and anxiety, I had pain, I had Celiac Disease, hypothyroidism, I couldn’t move off the couch sometimes. I tried a few different meds, which didn’t change much. I had lots of tests done which came up with basically nothing. I once had 16 vials of blood taken – the nurse said he had never taken so many – and still no one really knew what to do with me.
Rewind about 18-22 years – I was at church realizing that I had certain abilities that ‘only boys should have’, the adults all around me were telling me the best way to live but to me they seemed deeply unhappy to me, it was communicated to me it was my job to make everyone happy and manage all relationships around me, but never to give that kind of care to myself. But no one else seemed to notice or have a problem with these things. At 4, my mantra became ‘What is wrong with me?” I repeated it millions of times, until plenty of things were really wrong with me.
These wounds cut me to the core of my femaleness, my spirituality, my essence. When life became unbearable in my late twenties, I couldn’t run from the pain and trauma stuffed inside anymore. My body was calling to me to find healing.
Discovering the work of Bethany Webster gave the wounds I have experienced a cohesiveness. She calls this type of wounding The Mother Wound.
The Mother Wound is a recognition of the suppression of women and all things feminine, what we needed as children but didn’t receive and the effects this has on women and men. It expresses itself in our physical bodies, our minds, our emotions and spirituality. It is a deep, deep wounding.
You may have already noticed this wound, even if you don’t have words for it, if you:
-have boundary issues, on multiple levels of being – physical, mental, emotional and energetic
-managing others lives and emotions, at the expense of your own
-are feeling you must remain sick, small, or avoid saying no to keep the love of your family and friends
-are general feeling that there is ‘something wrong with me’
-are feeling that speaking out what you need, feel or want will be harmful to others
-are feeling like you have a shaky foundation, that others approval or disapproval can ‘topple’ you”
-recognize yourself as an enabler, the ‘fixer’, or the one that holds everyone together
-have had traumatic issues in connection to your mother or birth mother, even if they seem small to others, such as adoption, being in the NICU, your mother was sick or busy much of the time or unable to nurture
-have illnesses or symptoms in the abdomen area(infertility, PMS, constipation, etc.) or the throat area(thyroid issues, difficulty speaking up for yourself, regular throat infections as a child)
-feeling there is something wrong with you
-depression and anxiety
-autoimmune and chronic illness
Beginning to acknowledge the Mother Wound takes you to deep places within yourself. It is not about blame, but simply recognition and witnessing of the deep wounds created so they can begin to heal, and a move towards being able to give to yourself what you needed. While we have many development mental milestones we acknowledge for children, I believe this healing and connection to the Inner Mother is the task of healthy adulthood.
Check It Out: Bethany Webster on Womb of Light is a wealth of information if you want to dive in more deeply. You can find her here.